Most Embarrassing

About 6 years ago I was engaged to give a 4 hour presentation to a group of 150 managers from a head office department of a large insurance company. They were assembled for a 2-day meeting and I was a guest speaker. My talk was about leadership.

The event was being held in a small ballroom at a fancy downtown Toronto hotel. It was to start at 1 pm, after they had lunch.

I love peameal bacon on a kaiser roll. Just love it.

Whenever I'm in the heart of downtown Toronto, I just have to go to the St. Lawrence Market where one of the stalls sells what is arguably the best peameal-on-a-kaiser on the planet.

And the St. Lawrence Market is only a short stroll to the hotel. A perfect plan, yes? Get a peameal, take a half hour stroll to the presentation. A leisurely slide into an afternoon of hard work.

The plan came together. I was sitting amongst the other peameal lovers, (actually crammed in, because it was lunch time), munching away, REALLY enjoying my sandwich.

There's no real "skill" to eating a peameal-on-a-kaiser, but one does need to manage the crums and keep a napkin quite handy. In my case, for example, I was wearing tan dress slacks, a dress shirt, and navy blue blazer, and, after all, I was about to stand in front of a small crowd to do my thing. So extra caution was called for. No doubt.

So, it happened. I slopped a glob of mustard onto my pants. Actually the glob landed immediately to my left of the fly on my pants. The gob was about two inches from stem to stern.

My eyes bulged out of my head as the magnitude of what had occurred set in. I had to speak in 35 minutes. I was over an hour from my home or my office.

I grabbed a cab to the hotel. I stood in front of the concierge, spread my arms to display my entire frontal image, and said, "look." I was kind of hoping that from his angle it wouldn't be so bad--maybe I was overreacting.

The concierge put his hand over his mouth. After a second he said, "we have a dry cleaning service, sir, if you'd like to send them in."

I explained that I had a presentation down the hall in 20 minutes.

He replied with his index finger pointing up in a "eureka" moment that, "we have Maria, our head of repair from housekeeping. She can do anything."

He called Maria. She would be up in a minute. I used that minute to run down the hall to check in. The crowd was still eating. I told the sound and lighting guys I was present and that I would be right back.

Maria was a sweet old Italian lady. I adopted for her the same pose I offered to the concierge 7 minutes earlier. She too immediately put her hand to her mouth, in her case stifling a long "ooooh."

It was 10 minutes before show time.

Maria was grunting as she shook her head. She knelt down, grabbed the crotch of my pants (just the pants), and looked very closely. More sounds, more head shakes, while the concierge was asking, "can you do it Maria? He has 10 minutes." She said as she stood up, "I be right back."

My heart was pounding. By this time the yellow appearance of the mustard went away, but it left a large, black/gray, serious-looking pee pee-like stain. My blazer wouldn't cover the stain. It was obvious, ugly, and it makes me shake my own head just to write these words. It wasn't a dribble, it was a blotch.

After what seemed like ages, Maria returned with a spray bottle and a rag. She sprayed the rag, grabbed the cloth again and began to gently wipe the stain. It had no effect, but to take away a small piece of dried mustard that had given the stain a three-dimensional effect. Now it looked somehow like a more realistic pee pee stain.

Time was up. I walked quickly down the hall, said hello to my host. His assistant took me to my seat near the front where I would sit while he was introducing me.

My heart was pounding. I kept looking down at my stain while he was making his remarks. I had no idea what I was going to say. It was obviously going to be visible to all. It was the most embarrassing event of my career.

Thoughts Running Wild

We all know the experience of lying awake in the middle of the night with our thoughts running wild. Or, in the middle of a workday, being totally preoccupied by something bugging us. Here are some ideas that serve me well as a periodically-neurotic-guy.

First, let’s agree that in the blur of mental activity there are things you are saying to yourself. Let’s call those utterances “self talk”. For example, if there’s a guy named Billie who is driving me crazy, then in addition to my anger or fear or whatever, my self talk is in there saying things like, “Billie’s a manipulative jerk and a political beastie.”

A very handy thing to keep in mind is that your self talk is often engaged in self protection. In fact, some folks say that’s why we have self talk; we ruminate over why we might not get what we want, how we’re at risk, what’s good for us and bad for us, what we like and don’t like—all with an eye towards making sure things are the way we think they should be. If we don’t like what’s going on, red flags start waving, emotions begin to flow.

In this case, for example, I might ask myself, “What does my judgement of Billie protect me from?”

Hmmm. Allow me to think out loud.

Well, if I’m honest with myself, even though I label him manipulative and political, and maybe he IS these things, the fact that they push my buttons means I AM the sicko who needs to be sorted out—not Billie.

That’s a very handy place to start.

It’s a funny thing. Often our anxieties are blamed on others, when WE are the ones with the anxiety. Rather than spending my energy on Billie’s nastiness, why don’t I direct my attention to how I’m upset?

“Cuz I don’t wanna.”

We want to be okay and so we point to others as the source of our problems.

Instead, I could ask, how is it that I am wired such that Billie pushes MY buttons but not other people’s buttons? I am the problem, not Billie.

My self talk gives a voice to my effort to deflect responsibility. It is self protecting. A lovely closed system, but often inaccurate.

In this case, perhaps I’m trying to get things accomplished these days and Billie gets in my way. In response to ME he gets manipulative and political. So, I judge him. When, in fact, I could judge myself for pushing his buttons. If I were more responsible, maybe I would handle him more gracefully.

Perhaps I must acknowledge to myself the fact that I have not made the effort to make the relationship work optimally. And then, maybe I can forgive myself. And rest.

Here’s a summary for your consideration: when other people push our buttons, it’s our “stuff”—not theirs; rather than acknowledging our stuff, we usually deflect it in the form of blame towards others; the stuff we have to acknowledge often links to our fears and our guilt.

Go to sleep.

The Source of Willpower

I used to smoke cigarettes. Pack and a half a day. For 13 years.

I tried to quit plenty of times. Even got to hypnosis. Each new thing I tried worked for a while, but then I'd fall off the wagon.

I tried to research what "willpower" was all about. Other than learning about Queen Victoria, I got nowhere.

Finally I learned a magic formula: I AM my will; when i have a strong sense of me, I have the ability to override impulses. A "strong sense of me" comes from high self esteem.

Casually put, when people have high self-esteem, they feel good about themselves. Slightly more rigorously put by psychologist Nathaniel Branden, self esteem is the experience of two beliefs: the belief that one is able, and the belief that one is valuable or worthy.

Imagine someone you know whom you believe has high self esteem. Doesn't that person give you the sense that he or she is confident in being able to meet life's demands? Isn't that person able to stand up and say, "Hey, I have rights around here!"?

The juicy question, of course, is where self esteem comes from. How do we get this magic potion?

Our parents and other people we look up to obviously make a difference. We reflect their views of us. If we are seen as valuable, for example, we come to believe that it's true.

But the big thing I learned--the really big thing--was that self esteem is very closely wrapped up with the ability to manage impulses. When we give in to impulses repeatedly, for example to lay down and enjoy a bottle of whiskey, we lower our self esteem. When we say no to little impulses, we strengthen our self esteem.

I first read about it in one of M. Scott Peck's books. Then it was confirmed for me by the oodles of research in the field of emotional intelligence. Impulse management is both a cause of and an expression of self esteem.

Want apple pie RIGHT NOW? Wait 15 minutes. See the escalator? Take the stairs. Parking space close to your target? Don't park there.

It's like practiced impulse control turns on a whole new circuit in the brain. Don't get anal about it, though. As my father once wrote in the autograph book he gave me for a holiday gift when i was ten years old, "A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men."

Extended Mind

Usually we assume that our minds are inside our body. Almost goes without saying. Where am I, if I am not in here?

Have you heard that scientists can now put a helmet-like thingy on someone's head and get that person to operate a computer -- just with their thoughts? Inside the helmet are sensors that read electrical signals right through the top of the head. It's a great invention that's inevitably going to make life a lot easier for paraplegics. To say the least.

I can't wait. Imagine just thinking you'd like to type this or that and having the words appear on the screen! Or, just changing the channel with a thought. Or ordering dinner in, while you're blind folded and your hands are tied. You'd have to pay for things using your credit card, but many delivery web sites can handle that. And you'd have to let the delivery person in, but many intercom systems can handle that too.

In fact, that's all rinky dink. How about you're at your desk, you use your thoughts to visit a web site that has a web cam in some hut deep in the jungle of who knows where--you bought some property there--the web cam reveals a tse tse fly buzzing around the lens of the camera. You think, "I should release my pet bird again; he's gotta be hungry." And bingo, a little cage opens, out flies the birdie, and it starts dinner. You're 10,000 miles away and you're addressing killing two birds with one stone, so to speak. With nothing but your thoughts.

Where is your mind now? Inside your body? I don't think so.

So, if that's your mind, extended way past the boundaries of your body, where exactly is your you? Are you still in that bag of mostly water?

Two Ways to Fight

Lawyers in our system of law generally have to assume the "other side" may do everything possible to win. So, depending on how far things have gone down the path of a particular legal matter, lawyers often adopt the role of protector, and, potentially, combatant.

Of course, other parts of our society rely on a similarly adversarial system. For example, here in Canada, political parties go at it with their opponents, seeking to win at all costs.

The beauty of the system, it's believed, is that by "fighting it out", two parties reach a workable conclusion, presumably honouring both sides.

But it bugs me.

When people seek to win at all costs, we can find posturing, exaggeration, red herrings, pettiness, secrecy, artificial threats, unfair time delays, the deliberate obfuscation of the facts, and chest thumping activities intended to frighten.

If I had my druthers, rather than relying on a system of "win at all costs", I would prefer a system of "seek what's right".

Seeking what's right, when it's done in the context of two parties disagreeing, occurs when both sides: seek to hear and understand each others strong views; concede when valid counterpoints are argued; share a commitment to go the distance in the fight; fully disclose their agenda; and, expose their vulnerabilities--all in a quest to get to that synthesis of the two opposing starting positions.

Sometimes I ask myself, What makes one person go one way, and another person the other?

I'm pretty sure that when I fall into the more devilish mode, it's because I am stuck on at least one of blame, fear, or mistrust.

And sometimes, there are legitimate reasons to mistrust.

A good lawyer can save the day.

We Each have a Growing Edge

If you drop a stone in a calm pool of water, the disturbance causes a series of ripples. One could call the outermost ripple, the one that's furthest from where the stone hit the surface, the "growing edge".

You have a growing edge too. Think of yourself as that whole series of expanding ripples in the pond. The outermost ripple is your growing edge, the extent of your growth to this point.

What kind of growth? Well, it's up to you. As a father, I am learning to balance involvement in the lives of my kids with their unique needs for space. I haven't mastered it yet.

As a facilitator, I am learning patience. I tend to keep charging forward on a topic or matter even though others see further opportunity for reflection. I know better and I'm trying to slow myself down, but, indeed, that's my growing edge as a facilitator.

What's your growing edge?

You probably have a bunch.

I have learned that there are three main phases involved in extending your growing edge. The first is the thing you are stuck on. In my case, I want to ask my kids too many questions--ultimately denying them the space they need. I have been stuck on that; old habits die hard, I guess. As for my impatience as a facilitator, I have been stuck on pursuing my own excitement for a topic without bringing others along, or even asking them if they are ready to move forward.

In this stuck phase, we don't even know of another possibility. Or, at least, we can't really simply just choose another possibility. We identify with the way we are.

But then comes something to educate us. We learn distinctions. We learn we are not stuck.
Perhaps somebody points out another possibility. Or we learn about the damage we have done from our stuck ways. What emerges from that learning is an unstuck person, someone who experiences the freedom to make other choices. This is the second phase.

In this second phase we have "disidentified" from being that stuck person and we find the freedom to be otherwise.

In the third phase we integrate the values of both previous orientations. I become a father who reads the signs and appropriately chooses to either ask away or back away. I become the facilitator who feels his desire to move forward and allows that to inform him of the need to check in with the group.

This is a handy way of seeing how growth works.

It even applies to classroom learning. Somebody walks into a session with the habit of handling the objections of other people in a certain fashion (phase one); he or she learns about the downsides of that habit and about another way of doing it that avoids downsides (phase two); and finally, with practice, integrates the motivation behind the habituated methodology with the modified methodology.

The neat thing is that certain things can be done by a facilitator (or coach, or educator, or therapist, or guide) to cause the discovery of the phase one stuckness, to smooth the way to disidentification, and to facilitate the integration of the two. When these things are done gracefully, it's a beautiful thing.