The Source of Willpower

I used to smoke cigarettes. Pack and a half a day. For 13 years.

I tried to quit plenty of times. Even got to hypnosis. Each new thing I tried worked for a while, but then I'd fall off the wagon.

I tried to research what "willpower" was all about. Other than learning about Queen Victoria, I got nowhere.

Finally I learned a magic formula: I AM my will; when i have a strong sense of me, I have the ability to override impulses. A "strong sense of me" comes from high self esteem.

Casually put, when people have high self-esteem, they feel good about themselves. Slightly more rigorously put by psychologist Nathaniel Branden, self esteem is the experience of two beliefs: the belief that one is able, and the belief that one is valuable or worthy.

Imagine someone you know whom you believe has high self esteem. Doesn't that person give you the sense that he or she is confident in being able to meet life's demands? Isn't that person able to stand up and say, "Hey, I have rights around here!"?

The juicy question, of course, is where self esteem comes from. How do we get this magic potion?

Our parents and other people we look up to obviously make a difference. We reflect their views of us. If we are seen as valuable, for example, we come to believe that it's true.

But the big thing I learned--the really big thing--was that self esteem is very closely wrapped up with the ability to manage impulses. When we give in to impulses repeatedly, for example to lay down and enjoy a bottle of whiskey, we lower our self esteem. When we say no to little impulses, we strengthen our self esteem.

I first read about it in one of M. Scott Peck's books. Then it was confirmed for me by the oodles of research in the field of emotional intelligence. Impulse management is both a cause of and an expression of self esteem.

Want apple pie RIGHT NOW? Wait 15 minutes. See the escalator? Take the stairs. Parking space close to your target? Don't park there.

It's like practiced impulse control turns on a whole new circuit in the brain. Don't get anal about it, though. As my father once wrote in the autograph book he gave me for a holiday gift when i was ten years old, "A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men."