Thoughts Running Wild

We all know the experience of lying awake in the middle of the night with our thoughts running wild. Or, in the middle of a workday, being totally preoccupied by something bugging us. Here are some ideas that serve me well as a periodically-neurotic-guy.

First, let’s agree that in the blur of mental activity there are things you are saying to yourself. Let’s call those utterances “self talk”. For example, if there’s a guy named Billie who is driving me crazy, then in addition to my anger or fear or whatever, my self talk is in there saying things like, “Billie’s a manipulative jerk and a political beastie.”

A very handy thing to keep in mind is that your self talk is often engaged in self protection. In fact, some folks say that’s why we have self talk; we ruminate over why we might not get what we want, how we’re at risk, what’s good for us and bad for us, what we like and don’t like—all with an eye towards making sure things are the way we think they should be. If we don’t like what’s going on, red flags start waving, emotions begin to flow.

In this case, for example, I might ask myself, “What does my judgement of Billie protect me from?”

Hmmm. Allow me to think out loud.

Well, if I’m honest with myself, even though I label him manipulative and political, and maybe he IS these things, the fact that they push my buttons means I AM the sicko who needs to be sorted out—not Billie.

That’s a very handy place to start.

It’s a funny thing. Often our anxieties are blamed on others, when WE are the ones with the anxiety. Rather than spending my energy on Billie’s nastiness, why don’t I direct my attention to how I’m upset?

“Cuz I don’t wanna.”

We want to be okay and so we point to others as the source of our problems.

Instead, I could ask, how is it that I am wired such that Billie pushes MY buttons but not other people’s buttons? I am the problem, not Billie.

My self talk gives a voice to my effort to deflect responsibility. It is self protecting. A lovely closed system, but often inaccurate.

In this case, perhaps I’m trying to get things accomplished these days and Billie gets in my way. In response to ME he gets manipulative and political. So, I judge him. When, in fact, I could judge myself for pushing his buttons. If I were more responsible, maybe I would handle him more gracefully.

Perhaps I must acknowledge to myself the fact that I have not made the effort to make the relationship work optimally. And then, maybe I can forgive myself. And rest.

Here’s a summary for your consideration: when other people push our buttons, it’s our “stuff”—not theirs; rather than acknowledging our stuff, we usually deflect it in the form of blame towards others; the stuff we have to acknowledge often links to our fears and our guilt.

Go to sleep.